Paul Sharits (1943-1993)

I do not want to die. Yesterday I was sure that I would die; took cab to emergency Ward of University of VA hospital, in a panic, my chest so in pain, short of breath, dizzy—like That Night a few weeks ago—for x-rays et al; was reassured that I was ok, no blood leaking into my lung again. I do not want to vegetate—but in my “Creative Panic” I overdo it, I try to do much more than I am capable of accomplishing… I lose track of myself, the centered-self sense gets lost, 2 become an abstraction to “myself.” I get horrible anxiety, feel desperately lonely—“in this what its like to be “successful”???—I risk my mental-emotional and my physical health… by drinking heavily and putting myself in very dangerous situations.